Scheduling Intimacy

A link in my twitter feed this weekend led me to this post from Advocatus Diaboli.

He says: 

If you are scheduling something, it is almost guaranteed to be a chore.
Taking your garbage out on time, vacuuming your house regularly or doing laundry on a schedule is a chore not a need. We are talking about stuff that nobody really wants to do, or is strictly necessary at that moment, but performed for satisfying imaginary social expectations.

 To which I say: bullshit!

Healthy adult human beings schedule a lot of things that are not chores. We schedule special events like birthday parties and attending concerts. We schedule recreational activities like rock climbing or poker nights. We schedule vacations and weekend getaways.

Don't get me wrong; I'm completely in favor of unscheduled, spontaneous sex. And surprising the wife is always fun... but even that takes planning and preparation. (For the ultimate example of this, read Ian Ironwood's series on the ultimate Red Pill date.)

I have a successful career. I'm also finishing my college degree, learning to play the guitar, and this summer I'm taking a welding class at the local community college.

My wife is equally busy. She also has a successful career, and hers involves a significant amount of out of town travel. She's also an officer in a professional organization.

We have to schedule intimacy; it's the only way it's going to happen. Or at least, it's the only way it's going to happen as often as we want it to.

In our life, there are basically two kinds of scheduled sex: maintenance sex, and OMG that was amazing sex. Maintenance sex is what Athol Kay refers to as Below Average Sex. (By definition, half of all sex is below average.) "OMG that was amazing" is anything that takes more planning than grabbing the lube and jumping into bed. Role playing, fetish play, B&D, anything that takes props, costumes, and significant time, is going to require some advance preparation. And if it's going to happen, we need to set aside some time for it.

All this is not to say that married professionals never have spontaneous sex. It happens, and when it does it's a wonderful thing. But scheduled sex is not comparable to taking out the garbage, either.

Irony

My wife sent me a text to let me know that a package arrived in the mail. It was Androgel, a testosterone supplement, from my prescription plan.

The irony is that the auto-correct on her phone changed "Androgel" to "shrivel." Uh, quite the opposite, actually.

War On Men -- College Edition

Minding the Campus has a story on the University of North Carolina's response to the Obama education department's notorious "Dear Colleague" letter.

Under the current system at UNC, if an accuser simply files a sexual assault claim through the university but doesn't go to the police, the accused student has no right to outside counsel. "Neither a licensed attorney nor a person who has passed a state bar examination may serve as the investigator or defense counsel or be present during proceedings." If the accuser has simultaneously filed a criminal charge, "the accused student may be accompanied to the hearing by a licensed attorney who may confer with the student during the hearing so long as the attorney does not address the hearing panel, those hearing the appeal, or other parties or witnesses, and so long as the attorney does not delay or disrupt the proceeding." [emphasis added] And in either case, the right of the accused student to present evidence to clear his name is severely limited by a clause that prohibits presentation of evidence that "does not otherwise infringe the rights of other students." This is the procedure that Dean Manning had considered unfairly tilted against the accuser.

 There's a mistake in that quote... evidence is only ALLOWED (not prohibited) if it "does not otherwise infringe the rights of other students."

More importantly, the new policy  removes accusations of sexual assault from the UNC Honor Code, and treats them differently. Under the Honor Code, guilt must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, just as in a criminal trial. But now, sexual assault accusations only need to be proven "by a preponderance of the evidence." That is, the most serious charges only need to be shown to be 50.1% likely to be true.

A male student at UNC can be expelled, have is educational career and his life destroyed, on the flimsiest of evidence and without the benefit of legal counsel. How could any man choose to put himself into such a situation? How could any parents allow their sons to be put into such situations? Did we learn nothing from the recent events at Duke?

To be fair, this is not unique to UNC. The Tarheels are merely the first school to go on record as complying with the Obama administration's mandate. 

As one commenter on Minding the Campus said, "How in the world do you teach an 18year old boy that he has to protect himself from any woman he meets...that at the whim of a partner his life can be ruin?"

Chivalry is only dead if you let it be dead

Dalrock has a new post today, in which he takes a writer at the Canadian Post to task for her article on the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Of course, the CP was asking for it when they titled the article: Titanic Anniversary: Is a man brave or condescending if he lets women and children go first?

How dare those awful men let themselves drown in the icy North Atlantic! Equality demands that men fight their way into the lifeboats, "women and children first" be damned!

I grew up reading tales of male gallantry from King Arthur and his knights, right on down to the Hardy Boys. Call me old-fashioned, but I still think it's the man's job to slay dragons (and spiders). Men are the rescuers, and women are the rescued.

It took a while, but I eventually managed to get my wife trained to wait for me to open her car door. It's a small gesture, but it's symbolic. A feminist would say that it's symbolic of my need to control my wife, or that I'm suggesting she's not capable of opening her own door. That, like most things that feminists say, is bullshit. It's a gesture of kindness and respect. It's a masculine duty, although modern society deprecates such notions.

You also won't see my wife pushing a lawn mower or taking the trash can down to the curb. Those are "man jobs" at our house. I'm aware that my wife is plenty capable of opening doors, pushing lawnmowers, and toting trash. She does much tougher jobs, like putting in a new flower bed, for fun. But if I sat on the porch with a beer in my hand while she mowed the yard, my grandfather's ghost would pay me a nocturnal visit to ask where my genitals had gone.


What does this have to do with Game? Why, everything!  Game, properly understood, IS a modern version of Chivalry. Like the knight on a quest, the man who has taken the red pill must go his own way. Like the medieval man, the man who knows Game knows the weakness of women, and the need to protect them. Contrary to feminist rhetoric, you are stronger than your wife; or at least, you should be.

Chivalry is noble by it's very definition. As John Huizinga said, "the source of the chivalrous idea, is pride aspiring to beauty, and formalized pride gives rise to a conception of honour, which is the pole of noble life."

So have some pride, and give rise to honor. Don't let the feminists take away chivalry.

What Men Want From Women

This was posted on The Private Man. It was actually a comment someone left on another blog, but he felt it was worth reposting. And he's right, it bears repeating, over and over again.

What men want from women:

We want you to celebrate with us when we’ve triumphed.

We want you to help us through when we’re down.

We want you to stay with us when we’re down.

We want you to not be constantly looking for a better model.

We want you to encourage us when things aren’t going well.

We want a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a tough day.

We want you to show us and tell us that we satisfy you sexually.

We want you to show us that we are still attractive to you physically.

A man NEVER gets tired of hearing from his woman how great she thinks he is. NEVER. You can’t say it enough. If you do say it, you will have his undying love.

He will work himself into an early grave at a job he hates for you and your children. He will gladly throw himself in front of speeding cars for you. He will gladly lay down his life for you. He will give you all he is, all he has, all his money, and all the resources he can bring to bear.

And all he asks in return is for tenderness, a pleasant disposition, physical affection at reasonable intervals, and that you stay with him.

Why is that so hard to figure out?

The Private Man also offers the answer to the question "Why is that so hard to figure out?" It's because women (and men) fall into the vicious circle of lies and misinformation.

Temptation

There are an ever increasing number of blogs about the use of Game in marriage and other long-term relationships. This is a good thing.

At some point, they all touch on the topic of temptation, because it’s eventually going to happen to any man working the Plan. You’ve gotten physically fit, you’ve improved your appearance, you’ve increased your self-confidence. One day, in the midst of an innocent flirtation, you realize the possibilities. “If I just escalate here, I could easily get this woman in bed.”

If you have ever taken a self-defense class, you know the importance of drills. You have to imagine yourself in a difficult situation, and practice your response until it becomes a reflex. When a bad guy attacks you in a parking lot at night, you don’t have time to look up what to do in the textbook. You have to have drilled enough to respond instantly, without thought. You have to practice until you develop the right reflexes.

I’m self-aware enough to know that if I suddenly found myself in a situation that could easily lead to sex, my first instinct might be to do something that I would later regret. So I contemplate the possibilities, and rehearse my responses. 

An important part of my preparation for the inevitable temptation is simply to Know Who I Am.

I am a tall, attractive, intelligent, spiritual, happily-married man. And, quite frankly, my sexuality is too valuable to be shared with the sort of woman who would knowingly bed a married man. (Yes, I know… shades of Grouch Marx. “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”)

I haven’t always been this way. As my previous marriage was going down in flames, I slept with a lot of women. Most of them were married, too. A large part of my motivation was seeking validation. My self-esteem was shot, and I needed them to prove to me that I was still attractive. 

In spite of my comment about “the sort of woman who would knowingly bed a married man,” I don’t look down on any of the women I slept with during my first marriage. In fact, I am now married to one of them. (I’ve changed a lot since I met her, and she has, too. We aren’t the same people we were then.) I don’t look down on them, and I don’t look down on myself for sleeping with them, either. As my spiritual advisor/guitar teacher says, “We all do the best we can with what we have at the time.” 

But I’m better now. I can recognize my own self-worth. I don’t need a woman, or a string of women, to validate me. I know who I am, and I’m too valuable to waste on casual flings.

Don't be a sorry guy

I ran across an idea a few weeks ago that had to do with using the words “I’m sorry.” I’ve been doing so much reading lately, that I’m not sure where I saw this. It might have been in Athol’s book, or it might have been one of the manosphere blogs, but I’m not sure.

I do know that since reading it, I’ve become acutely aware of how often I say the words “I’m sorry.” And most of the time, I haven’t done anything wrong. My wife is going through a long and painful recovery from surgery, so I have a lot of occasions to express sympathy and concern.

But there’s the rub. English being a compact language, most words have multiple meanings. Sure, one of the meanings of ‘sorry’ is “sympathetic,” or “compassionate.” But take a look at some of the other synonyms for sorry:

• Remorseful
• Regretful
• Apologetic
• Despicable
• Pathetic
• Contemptible
• Disgraceful
• Insignificant
• Miserable
• Vile
• Worthless

If you keep telling your wife that you are pathetic and contemptible, how long do you think it will be before she starts to believe you?

Of course, there are times when no other term will do. When you screw up, admit it. Take the blame, apologize, do what you can to set things right, and move on. Sometimes, you do have to say you’re sorry, because life isn’t a 70’s novel.  

But apart from actual apologies, resolve now to banish the phrase “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary. Here are some other ways to express sympathy and compassion without claiming to be vile or disgraceful:

“I know this is very difficult for you.”

“We’re in this together. You are not alone.”

“This must be so painful for you.”

“How can I help?”

“I don’t know what to say, but I care.”

“That must be terrible.” 

“I can’t imagine that kind of pain.”

Also remember this: As a man, confronted with a problem, your instinct is to search for solutions. But most of the time, when your woman has a problem, she doesn’t want you to solve it. She just wants to know that you understand her, and that you care. If you immediately jump to offering solutions, she will likely interpret that as a lack of caring. Give her your emotional support first and foremost.